A couple I know is going through marital difficulties and I put the following together until they can find a marriage counselor who can help them. I thought I would post it here in case it can help anyone else.
First, it appears that we are all “wired” biologically to want a close relationship with someone else. This appears to be a basic human need. When we think about closeness and intimacy, we tend to ask ourselves these questions, whether consciously or not:
- Can I count on you and depend on you?
- Are you there for me?
- Will you respond when I need you?
- Do I matter to you?
- Do you value me?
- Do you need me and depend on me
When the answers to these questions appear to be “no”, a part of our brain gets triggered that sends us into a sort of panic. For some people that panic will mean pulling away and withdrawing, as a strategy for trying to stay safe; for others it will mean reaching out for the other person in a way that may feel intrusive and dangerous to the other. Some of us will act like turtles, hiding in our shells, sure that it is dangerous to come out; others of us will turn into porcupines and it will feel dangerous when we come close. Neither the turtles nor the porcupines are likely to get the closeness that at least part of them desires - at least, not without some help.
This is some of the motivation behind a very typical cycle, where the more one person withdraws, the more the other pursues (sometimes in ways that can seem angry), and the more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. One of the keys to making progress is for each member of the couple to realize their typical pattern and that the pattern is a circle. It is much more important that the pattern exists and that the couple is in the middle of it than who started it.
We begin to learn from the time that we are babies what sort of answers to expect from someone who is close to us. Our first models are typically our parents. Along the way, we learn that
- we can basically count on significant others to make sure our needs are met, or
- we can’t count on significant others, and we should not even bother trying, or
- we can’t count on significant others, so we better keep after them
The good news is that, particularly with the sort of therapy I’ve learned (emotion-focused therapy for couples), patterns can change. The therapist can make sure that it becomes safe to share fears and vulnerabilities (which we all have and are often buried underneath what the fights seem to be about) with each other.
The therapist can help translate. “You are self-centered” might become, for example, “I’ve felt so alone and as though I don’t mean anything to you.” Whereas the first way might push our significant other way, the second way is more likely to bring them closer.
The way we fight about things, and our ability to get to the basic needs and fears behind the fights, end up being much more important than many of the things the fights seem to be about. One study found that 60% of the things that couples fought about at the beginning of the relationship were things happy couples that stayed together still disagreed about, years later. What helped these couples to stay together was, in large part, how they dealt with their disagreements.
One more finding that might be helpful - we now know that when people get too worked up during a fight (heart pounding, adrenaline rushing), it changes the way we think in a way that makes it pretty much impossible to have a reasonable discussion. When we recognize that we (or our partner) have reached that stage, the best thing is to go cool down (this can take at least 30 minutes) and re-schedule the discussion (not avoiding the discussion, re-scheduling it). It’s also useful to know that people who tend to withdraw may be getting quite worked up inside, but not show it. In some cases, they may not even be aware of it.
There are lots of ways to do couples therapy. Of course, I’m a big fan of the way I learned, emotion-focused therapy (EFT). There is information about it, and a therapist directory, at www.eft.ca. There is also a book called “Hold Me Tight” by the therapist who developed EFT. The book is written for couples and can be a great start to turning things around.
Research shows that 90% of couples improve after emotion-focused therapy and that 70% feel “cured.” Often, 8 - 20 sessions are enough and couples typically continue to improve after they have finished therapy. Interestingly, the amount of conflict in the couple did not appear to affect whether EFT was effective.